I’m Fr. Marty John Miller, a Catholic priest of Opus Dei. Born and raised in Oregon, Illinois (where I learned about everything that really matters) I met Opus Dei while a student at Illinois State. After lots of theology in Rome and Spain, I was ordained in 2002, at Torreciudad, near the hometown of Saint Josemaria. Now based in Houston, I trek south-central Texas, ministering sacraments and preaching. If you’re in this area and want to get to confession, check the calendar below. You can email me at martyjohn@letsrepent.org. God bless!
My Confession Calendar!
Below is a pretty accurate account of where I (or a trusty sub) hear confessions. If you need a confession guide, there’s one right below the calendar.
My Confession Guide!
To make a good sacramental confession you need to be Catholic, sorry for your sins, and ready to change your ways. So consider these spiritual inventory questions (based on the Ten Commandments) for a few minutes:
Spiritual inventory…
1) Do I love and trust God (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) above everyone and everything else?
2) Do I show my love for God by regular prayer, respect, and worship, especially on Sundays and other Holy Days?
3) Do I honor the people God has placed near me with authority (parents, spouse, and church and civic leaders)?
4) Do I respect the right to life and proper care for every innocent human person, from conception to natural death?
5) Do I follow God’s wise plan that sexual desires, relations, and pleasures are only allowed in a true marriage bond between husband and wife, and always open to the gift of life?
6) Am I self-controlled in how I eat, drink, think, speak, and seek pleasure?
7) Do I always live, defend, and speak the truth, even when I might suffer as a result?
8) Do I live simply and justly by working well and respecting the goods, talents, situations, and legitimate relationships of others?
9) Am I happy with how God created and called me, knowing that even things I don’t like about myself or seem unfair are somehow part of my path to holiness now and forever?
10) Do I struggle against all forms of vanity and pride, knowing that my talents and successes are meant to reflect God’s image in me and point to His goodness and everlasting glory?
Sometimes people ask if the following acts are still sins, to which a ‘yes’ is given:
-Using marijuana recreationally
-Drinking underage (without direct parental supervision)
-Viewing pornography
-Masturbation
-Acts of physical affection leading to sexual arousal outside of marriage
-Missing Sunday Mass voluntarily
-Reckless driving
-Gossip and detraction
-Being only married civilly
-Living with one’s fiance before marriage
Now, find a Catholic priest, and ask him to hear your confession. Go to a Catholic parish website, for example, as confession times are normally listed there. If those times don’t work for you, call the office for an appointment, or try asking a priest to hear your confession after Mass (once he’s finished greeting everyone). You might nicely say, “Father, I know you’re really busy, but would you have a few minutes for my confession now?” Most priests will be happy to accommodate you, as they are bound to administer the sacraments to all who reasonably ask for them.
In the Confessional…
Now that a priest will hear your confession, simply say “Father, I want to go to confession.” The more traditional English greeting is “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” After some greeting, say approximately how long it’s been since you last confessed, and then tell all your sins as you best remember them. You don’t have to tell all the details, but be clear. When you finish, listen to any advice given, and answer any relevant questions he might ask. The priest will then give you a penance to do when you leave, so remember it. He will then ask you to pray an Act (prayer) of Contition. There are many, but I really like this one:
My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against you whom I should love above all things. I firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us. In his name, my God, have mercy!
After this, the priest will recite the absolution prayer. Listen for these words, because they are necessary: “… I absolve you from your sins, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.” You say “Amen“. You’re done and now forgiven, so thank God for his love and mercy, and do your penance ASAP. See how easy that was?!
My Doctoral Dissertation!
Hard to believe, but occasionally people ask for a copy of my theology doctoral dissertation (University of Navarre 2000). It was on the terminology of Vatican II, and you can download or read the summary here, which gives a pretty good idea of what it is about (coffee will help):
My Music!
People often ask me about my favorite popular (secular) music and bands. It’s always a hard question for me to address. Music goes deep within a person’s psyche, and it’s difficult to analyze something essentially spiritual. Nonetheless, I do have a rotation of favorite songs that make a kind of soundtrack to my life so far (everyone should have a soundtrack). The family-friendly version appears on this Spotify playlist FamilyJams (for best results, listen in shuffle mode).
I am currently compiling lyrics of some of my favorite live-music sing-along songs and Christmas Carols that can be found at the page: AfterVirtueBand
I occasionally write my own songs. Here’s one I wrote a little while ago called “Nomadic Life” about moving out of one’s comfort zone and into the unknown…
Here’s a song I recently reworked about what might be going through a groom’s mind as he watches his bride approach the altar. It’s called “Down the Aisle”…
Here’s a more theological song, called “Tornado Love Song”. Guess what it’s about…
But wait, there’s more… Lastly here’s a song I recently finished (I think) about interior life, called “Walk in the Field”…
My Favorite Prayers!
Here are some of my favorite prayers and blessings, besides the obvious ones, like the Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory be, and Apostles Creed, the Rosary, etc.
Act of Contrition: My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against you whom I should love above all things. I firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us. In his name, my God, have mercy!
Act of Faith: I accept and hold as true all that God has revealed, and that the Catholic Church commands me to believe; because God, Who is eternal truth and wisdom, can neither deceive nor be deceived, and the Catholic Church, His representative on earth, can neither fail nor fall into error. I especially and firmly believe that Jesus Christ is present in the Blessed Sacrament: the Divine Substance with all His infinite perfections and the Person of the Son of God with His human nature; His human body, His soul, all His graces, virtues, merits, holiness, love, goodness, mercy, and all that He is and all that He possesses. Amen.
Memorare: Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to you do I come; before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
Prayer to St. Michael: Saint Michael, the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray; and do thou, O Prince of the heavenly host, by the power of God cast into hell Satan and all the evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.
Prayer to St. Joseph, Protector: Oh, St. Joseph, whose protection is so great, so strong, so prompt before the throne of God. I place in you all my interests and desires. Oh, St. Joseph, do assist me by your powerful intercession, and obtain for me from your divine Son all spiritual blessings, through Jesus Christ, our Lord. So that, having engaged here below your heavenly power, I may offer my thanksgiving and homage to the most loving of Fathers. Oh, St. Joseph, I never weary of contemplating you, and Jesus asleep in your arms; I dare not approach while He reposes near your heart. Press Him in my name and kiss His fine head for me and ask him to return the kiss when I draw my dying breath. St. Joseph, Patron of departing souls, pray for me!
Psalm II: Why do the nations protest and the peoples conspire in vain? Kings on earth rise up and princes plot together against the LORD and against his anointed one: “Let us break their shackles and cast off their chains from us!” The one enthroned in heaven laughs; the Lord derides them, then he speaks to them in his anger, in his wrath he terrifies them: “I myself have installed my king on Zion, my holy mountain.” I will proclaim the decree of the LORD, he said to me, “You are my son; today I have begotten you. Ask it of me, and I will give you the nations as your inheritance, and, as your possession, the ends of the earth. With an iron rod you will shepherd them, like a potter’s vessel you will shatter them.” And now, kings, give heed; take warning, judges on earth. Serve the LORD with fear; exult with trembling, Accept correction lest he become angry and you perish along the way when his anger suddenly blazes up. Blessed are all who take refuge in him!
Salve Regina: Salve, Regina, mater misericordiae; vita, dulcedo et spes nostra, salve. Ad te clamamus, exsules filii Evae. Ad te suspiramus, gementes et flentes in hac lacrimarum valle. Eia ergo, advocata nostra, illos tuos misericordes occulos ad nos converte. Et Iesum, benedictum fructum ventris tui, nobis post hoc exilium ostende. O clemens, o pia, o dulcis Virgo Maria.
Prayer to St Josemaria: O God, through the mediation of Mary our Mother,
you granted your priest Saint Josemaria countless graces, choosing him as a most faithful instrument to found Opus Dei, a way of sanctification in daily work and in the fulfillment of the Christian’s ordinary duties. Grant that I too may learn to turn all the circumstances and events of my life into occasions of loving you and serving the Church, the Pope and all souls with joy and simplicity, lighting up the pathways of this earth with faith and love. Deign to grant me, through the intercession of Saint Josemaria, the favor of … (make your request). Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory be…
Cell Phone Blessing (anyone): Loving God, I hold in my hands a tool for connection. Today it will bring me the information I need to serve those entrusted to my care. As I use this tool, direct my gaze to all that deserves my best attention. If today it serves as a distraction, help me to put it in its proper place. And if today it burdens me, help me to work through the pressing responsibilities, the hurts and hopes, and place them in your hands where they belong. You have blessed me with good work and the tools to do it. Bless this tool, and all that it holds for me. Amen.
Blessing before Childbirth (clergy): God has brought gladness and light to the world through the Virgin Mary’s delivery of her child. May Christ fill your heart with his holy joy and keep you and your baby safe from harm. In the name of the Father, + and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Blessing after Childbirth (clergy): May the Lord God almighty, who through the earthly birth of his own Son has filled the whole world with joy, so bless + you that the child he has given you will always bring joy to your heart. Amen.
Blessing of the sick (clergy): May he who alone is Lord and Redeemer bless you + N. May he give health to your body and holiness to your soul. May he bring you safely to eternal life. Amen.
Blessing of Objects II (clergy): Let us pray to our Father in heaven, who has given us this/these N. for our use. (Moment of silence.) Blessed are you, Lord God, king of the universe: you have made all things for your glory. Bless + this (these) N. and grant that we may use it (them) in your service and for the good of all your people. Father, we praise you through Christ our Lord. Amen.
Blessing of Holy Water Outside Mass (clergy): In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. May God, who through water and the Holy Spirit has given us a new birth in Christ, be with you all. And with your spirit. The blessing of this water reminds us of Christ, the living water, and of the sacrament of baptism, in which we were born of water and the Holy Spirit. Whenever, therefore, we are sprinkled with this holy water or use it in blessing ourselves on entering the church or at home, we thank God for his priceless gift to us and we ask for his help to keep us faithful to the sacrament we have received in faith. Brothers and sisters, listen to the words of the holy gospel according to John (7:37-39) On the last and greatest day of the feast, Jesus stood up and exclaimed, “Let anyone who thirsts come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as scripture says: ‘Rivers of living water will flow from within him.’” He said this in reference to the Spirit that those who came to believe in him were to receive. There was, of course, no Spirit yet, because Jesus had not yet been glorified.
Let us pray. Lord, holy Father, look kindly on your children, redeemed by your Son and born to a new life by water and the Holy Spirit. Grant that those who are sprinkled with this + water may be renewed in body and spirit and may make a pure offering of their service to you. We ask this through Christ our Lord. R. Amen. Let this water call to mind our baptism into Christ, who has redeemed us by his death and resurrection. R. Amen.
Rite of Anointing (priests): The peace of the Lord be with you. Dear brothers and sisters, the Lord Jesus Christ, through the Apostle James has given us the command: Is anyone among you sick? They should summon for the Priests of the Church, who should pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. The prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise them up. If they have committed any sins, they will be forgiven.” Therefore, let us commend our sick brother (sister) to the grace and power of Christ, so that he (she) may find relief and salvation.
If the sick person so wishes, the sacrament of penance may be celebrated. If not, then the Confiteor is said:
Brethren, let us acknowledge our sins, and so prepare ourselves to participate in this sacred celebration. I confess to almighty God and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have greatly sinned, in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and in what I have failed to do, through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault; therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin, all the Angels and Saints, and you, my brothers and sisters, to pray for me to the Lord our God. May almighty God have mercy on us, forgive us our sins, and bring us to the everlasting life. R. Amen.
(Apostolic pardon, in two forms) 1) Through the holy mysteries of our redemption, may Almighty God release you from all punishments in this life and the life to come. May He open to you the Gates of Paradise and welcome you into everlasting joy. 2) By the authority which the Apostolic See has given me, I grant you a full pardon and the remission of all your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, + and of the Holy Spirit. R. Amen.
(Creed) Do you believe in God, the Father almighty, Creator of heaven and earth? R. I do. Do you believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, who was born of the Virgin Mary, suffered death and was buried, rose again from the dead and is seated at the right hand of the Father? R. I do. Do you believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting? R. I do.
(Petitions) Dearly beloved, let us pray for our brother (sister) N. and call upon the Lord, who in this hour refreshes him (her) with his Sacraments…
-That the Lord God may look upon him (her) and recognize the face of his suffering Son, let us pray to the Lord… R. Lord, we ask you, hear our prayers.
-That he may comfort and keep him (her) in his love, let us pray to the Lord… R. Lord, we ask you, hear our prayers.
-That he may grant him (her) strength and peace, let us pray to the Lord… R. Lord, we ask you, hear our prayers.
In silence, the priest lays his hands on the head of the sick person.
May your servant, Lord, who is anointed in faith with this holy Oil, be made new amid suffering and be comforted in sickness. Through Christ our Lord. R. Amen.
(On forehead) Through this holy anointing may the Lord in his love and mercy help you with the grace of the Holy Spirit. R. Amen.
(On open palms) May the Lord who frees you from sin save you and raise you up. R. Amen.
(Latin) Per istam Sanctam Unctionem et suam piissimam misericordiam adiuvet te Dominus gratia Spiritus Sancti, ut a peccatis liberatum te salvet atque propitius allevet. R. Amen.
Let us pray. O God, Redeemer of all, who in yourself bore our sorrows by your Passion and carried our infirmities as your own, humbly we beg you: strengthen in the hope of salvation our sick brother (sister) N., whom you have redeemed and graciously sustain him (her) in body and soul. Who live and reign for ever and ever. R. Amen.
Now let us together call upon God, as our Lord Jesus Christ taught us to pray: Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
May almighty God bless you, the Father, and the Son, + and the Holy Spirit. R. Amen.
Response for the Dead (clergy)
V. Remember not my sins, O Lord, R. When thou shalt come to judge the world by fire. V. Make thy way plain, O Lord my God, before my face. R. When thou shalt come to judge the world by fire. V. Eternal rest grant unto him (them), O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him (them). R. When thou shalt come to judge the world by fire. V. Lord, have mercy. R. Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy. V. Our Father …
V. And lead us not into temptation. R. But deliver us from evil. V. From the gates of hell. R. Deliver, O Lord, his (their) soul. V. May he (they) rest in peace. R. Amen. V. O Lord, graciously hear my prayer. R. And let my cry come unto thee. V. The Lord be with you. R. And with your spirit. Let us pray… Absolve, O Lord, we beseech You, your servant, N., from every bond of sins, who in this life merited to be conformed to Christ, and to be given new life in the glory of the resurrection among Your Saints. Through Christ our Lord. R. Amen. V. Eternal rest grant unto him (them), O Lord. R. And may perpetual light shine upon him (them). V. May he (they) rest in peace. R. Amen. V. May his (her/their) soul(s) and all the souls of the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace. R. Amen.
(latin) V. Ne recordéris peccáta mea, Dómine. R. Dum véneris iudicáre sǽculum per ignem. V. Dírige, Dómine Deus meus, in conspéctu tuo viam meam. R. Dum véneris iudicáre sǽculum per ignem. V. Réquiem ætérnam dona ei (eis), Dómine, et lux perpétua lúceat ei (eis). R. Dum véneris iudicáre sǽculum per ignem. Kýrie, eléison. Christe, eléison. Kýrie, eléison. Pater noster … V. Et ne nos indúcas in tentatiónem. R. Sed líbera nos a malo. V. A porta ínferi. R. Erue, Dómine, ánimam eius (ánimas eórum). V. Requiéscat (-ant) in pace. R. Amen. V. Dómine exáudi oratiónem meam. R. Et clamor meus ad te véniat. V. Dóminus vobíscum. R. Et cum spíritu tuo. Orémus: Absólve, quǽsumus, Dómine, fámulum tuum N. ab omni vínculo delictórum, ut, qui in hoc sǽculo Christo méruit conformári, in resurrectiónis glória inter Sanctos tuos resuscitátus respíret. Per Christum Dóminum nostrum. R. Amen. V. Réquiem ætérnam dona ei (eis), Dómine, R. Et lux perpétua lúceat ei (eis). V. Requiéscat (-ant) in pace. R. Amen. V. Anima eius (-æ -eórum) et ánimæ ómnium fidélium defunctórum per misericórdiam Dei requiéscant in pace. R. Amen.
Prayer of Deliverance (by Fr. Gabriele Amorth): O Jesus our Savior, my Lord and my God, my God and my all, with your sacrifice on the Cross you redeemed us and defeated the power of Satan. I beg you to deliver me from every evil presence and every evil influence. I ask you in your name, I ask you for the sake of your wounds, I ask you for the sake of your blood, I ask you for the sake of your Cross, I ask you through the intercession of Mary, Immaculate and Sorrowful. May the blood and the water that flow from your side wash over me to purify me, deliver me, heal me. Amen.
Automobile (or carriage!) blessing:
V. Adjutórium nostrum in nómine Dómini.
R. Qui fecit cælum et terram.
V. Dóminus vobíscum.
R. Et cum spíritu tuo. Orémus:
Proptiare, Dómine Deus,supplicatiónibus nostris, et béne + dic currum istum déxtera tua sancta: adjúnge ad ipsum sanctos Angelos tuos, ut omnes,qui in eo vehéntur, líberent et custódiant semper a perículis univérsis: et quemádmodum viro Æthíopi super currum suum sedénti et sacra elóquia legénti, per Levítam tuum Philíppum fidem et grátiam contulísti; ita fámulis tuis viam salútis osténde, qui tua grátia adjúti bonísque opéribus júgiter inténti, post omnes viæ et vitæ hujus varietátes,ætérna gáudia cónsequi mereántur. Per Christum Dóminum nostrum.
R. Amen.
Et aspergatur aqua benedicta.
Litany of Loreto: Lord, have mercy on us. Christ, have mercy on us. Lord, have mercy on us. Christ, hear us. Christ, graciously hear us. God, the Father of Heaven, have mercy on us. God the Son, Redeemer of the world, have mercy on us. God the Holy Spirit, have mercy on us. Holy Trinity, One God, have mercy on us. Holy Mary, pray for us. Holy Mother of God, pray for us. Holy Virgin of Virgins, pray for us. Mother of Christ, pray for us. Mother of the Church, pray for us. Mother of Mercy, pray for us. Mother of Divine Grace, pray for us. Mother of Hope, pray for us. Mother Most Pure, pray for us. Mother Most Chaste, pray for us. Mother Inviolate, pray for us. Mother Undefiled, pray for us. Mother Most Amiable, pray for us. Mother Most Admirable, pray for us. Mother of Good Counsel, pray for us. Mother of our Creator, pray for us. Mother of our Savior, pray for us. Virgin Most Prudent, pray for us. Virgin Most Venerable, pray for us. Virgin Most Renowned, pray for us. Virgin Most Powerful, pray for us. Virgin Most Merciful, pray for us. Virgin Most Faithful, pray for us. Mirror of Justice, pray for us. Seat of Wisdom, pray for us. Cause of Our Joy, pray for us. Spiritual Vessel, pray for us. Vessel of Honor, pray for us. Singular Vessel of Devotion, pray for us. Mystical Rose, pray for us. Tower of David, pray for us. Tower of Ivory, pray for us. House of Gold, pray for us. Ark of the Covenant, pray for us. Gate of Heaven, pray for us. Morning Star, pray for us. Health of the Sick, pray for us. Refuge of Sinners, pray for us. Solace of Migrants, pray for us. Comforter of the Afflicted, pray for us. Help of Christians, pray for us. Queen of Angels, pray for us. Queen of Patriarchs, pray for us. Queen of Prophets, pray for us. Queen of Apostles, pray for us. Queen of Martyrs, pray for us. Queen of Confessors, pray for us. Queen of Virgins, pray for us. Queen of all Saints, pray for us. Queen Conceived without Original Sin, pray for us. Queen Assumed into Heaven, pray for us. Queen of the Most Holy Rosary, pray for us. Queen of Families, pray for us. Queen of Peace, pray for us. Lamb of God, who take away the sins of the world, spare us, O Lord! Lamb of God, who take away the sins of the world, graciously hear us, O Lord! Lamb of God, who take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us. Pray for us, O holy Mother of God. That we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ. Amen.
Priest’s Prayer before Hearing Confessions: O Lord, give me wisdom to assist me when I am in the confessional, so that I know how to judge your people with justice and your poor with good sense. Grant that I use the keys of the kingdom of heaven so that I do not open it to anyone who merits that it be closed and not close it to one who deserves that it to be opened. Grant that my intention be pure, my zeal sincere, my love patient and my ministry fruitful. That I be gentle but not weak, that my seriousness be not severity, and that I not despise the poor
nor flatter the rich. Teach me to be affable in comforting sinners, prudent in asking questions and experienced in instructing them. Give me the grace to be able to remove them away from evil, make me diligent in confirming them in good; that I help them to be better with the maturity of my answers and the correctness of my advice; that I enlighten what is dark, be wise in complex matters and victorious in the difficult ones; that I not delay in unnecessary conversation nor let myself be influenced by what is corrupt lest saving others I lose myself. Amen.
My Favorite Jokes!
I grew liking puns, now known as “dad jokes”. Here are some (brace yourself)…
What do dentists call x-rays? Tooth pics… How does NASA organize a party? They planet… Why don’t scientists trust atoms? They make up everything... What is the best way to criticize your boss? Very quietly... What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is super heavy; the other is a little lighter... What do you call a toothless grizzly? Gummy bear… What do you call a pig that’s a black belt? A pork chop... What did the buffalo say when his boy went to college? Bison… Why was the Medieval Period called the “Dark Ages”? There were a lot of knights… I stayed up one night wondering where the sun was. Finally, it dawned on me... What do you call fake fettuccine? Impasta… Why are crabs bad at sharing? They’re shellfish... Why did the banana skip school? It wasn’t peeling well... Why did the ghost go to rehab? He was addicted to boos... Where do bad rainbows go? Prism. where they serve a light sentence... What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing. It just waved... What’s the best thing about Switzerland? No idea, but their flag is a big plus...Want to hear some roof jokes? The first one is on the house... Why do teddy bears refuse to snack? They’re always stuffed... What did the Buddhist ask at the ice cream shop? Make me one with everything... I tried to win a suntan contest. All I got was bronze... Why did the skeleton skip the dance? He had no-body to go with… Where do snowmen get loans? Snowbanks... Why won’t skeletons fight? They don’t have the guts... Why was the belt arrested? It was caught holding up a pair of pants... Why was Cinderella kicked off her soccer team? She kept running away from the ball... Why did the can-crusher quit his job. It was soda pressing... What does a vegan zombie want to eat? Graaaaiiins!… What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk...Two radio antennas decided to get married. The ceremony was fine, but the reception was great!… I skipped work because of an eye problem. I just couldn’t see myself in the office today... What did the pirate say at his eightieth birthday party? Aye matey... What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted... What’s brown and sticky? A stick... What do you call Batman and Robin after they get run over? Flatman and Ribbon... I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down... Did you hear about the astronaut who left his wife? He needed some space... There wasn’t a dry eye at the wedding. Even the cake was in tiers... What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels... Why do ghosts use elevators? They lift their spirits... Have you heard the rumor about butter? Well, I shouldn’t be spreading this… I got rid of my vacuum. All it was doing was collecting dust... What do you do if you get bird flu? Seek tweetment... It’s hard to explain things to kleptomaniacs. They always take things, literally...
Let's Repent! 